Humor Quickies - Momerisms

Starting off New Year 2005, my mother has shared some quickies ...some of her momerisms [that's momisms with the "er" in the middle]:

• Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.


• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


• A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


• Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.


• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


• "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like "Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."


• Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"


• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."


• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


• I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


• I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
  kayak and heat it too.


• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, dam." 

Check out more from my mom on this page entitled Momerisms and dedicated to her!